Monday, May 21, 2012

The River

Walking through a cathedral of trees,


Bold shafts of sunlight illumine lofty green branches,

And warm the air with the heady scent of pine.



A carpet of needles leads to a river.



The water sings a deafening, riotous song,

That both beckons and cautions those who might be bold enough,

To join its path.



Two kayakers stand on the river’s edge,

Two bright yellow crafts, two helmets strapped securely,

Paddles held like walking sticks, grounding them to shore.



Eyes watch and calculate the rapids in view.



This rushing water, these deep drops and twisting turns,

Have the power to devour, to defeat.

A kayaker can paddle like mad, only to be spun silly in a whirlpool,

Overtaken by waterfalls,

And emerge soaked, bruised, and exhausted.



This same water, these same deep drops and twisting turns,

Have the power to strengthen, to teach.

Small, well chosen, deft strokes will navigate unpredictable current,

Overcome any torrent,

And bring unbelievable joy in the wild exploration of it all.



Rivers don’t think much of being controlled,

Nor do they have much compassion for those who struggle.

Rivers rush, rage, push.



Water consumes.



But I am consumed by a different force,

A greater power,

Allowing me to do something the river can’t do:



To choose.



Today, I choose to learn from this place,

This path, these waters.

I call on the wisdom of those with better experience,

And release grace to myself for the skill set I have now.

I name this an adventure,

And remind myself that by His Name,

I reserve the right, the authority, to command every last ripple to be still.



Let’s go, Lord.



Let’s go.



Friday, May 11, 2012

Sick Heart

Proverbs 13:12 says "Hope deferred makes the heart sick..."  My heart is sick.  For two years, I have searched for answers to anxiety and sit here tonight feeling worse than ever.  How long must I suffer, and simultaneously hope that I will heal?  Crossing a busy street makes my throat clench up.  Getting out of bed is a monumental task some days.  The fear that people close to me will reject and leave me is more than I can take. 

Two years seems like a silly, short amount of time compared to what others struggle through.  I guess I'm weak.  Call me crazy, but I don't want another day of this hell.  I am losing all I care about because I can't get the hang of believing the truth or memorizing enough verses.  Read this book, people will say.  Or, pray.  Prayer will solve it.  Try medicine.  See a counselor.  A psychiatrist.  Exercise.  Meditate.  Take vitamins.  Done, done, done, done. 

I'm writing this because I'm angry and it feels like everything good is slipping away from me.  I don't want anyone to tell me what to do.  I want someone out there to tell me that they get it.  That they too have been here and felt this. 

I know this post is raw, but it needs to be.  When I looked tonight, I couldn't find a blog with someone who was "in the sh**", as my friend would say.  I hope that someone will find me and say, here's someone in the sh** with me.