Something that’s hard for me as a mother is feeling like nothing is mine anymore. I’m nursing my baby, so my body needs to be available for food around the clock. When I’m eating or drinking something, my three year old sweetly asks for a bite and usually ends up eating half of it. If I fall asleep during the little ones’ nap time, my older son (who does not nap) will wake me up to ask if I will play Legos with him. The kids chat with me when I’m going to the bathroom, pop their head into the shower, borrow my things and end up breaking them. I can – and do – set boundaries with them, but it so often feels like my life has become a big surrender of self.
In my journey with God, I feel Him asking for pieces of me as well. Am I willing to give Him my highly coveted sleep in exchange for some early morning Bible study and prayer? Will I check in with Him about my big feelings instead of eating chips to calm down? Could I pray while I run on the treadmill instead of watching YouTube videos on my phone? I don’t feel like God is nitpicking me, but rather nudging. He seems to be gently offering life-giving alternatives. You’d think I’d choose God’s ideas every time, but I’m rather content in my usual ways of doing things and pretty sure it might be uncomfortable to do things differently.
My Bible study notes this week talked about the book of Matthew where Jesus compares the kingdom of God to a treasure in a field or someone who has found an amazing pearl. The finder goes and sells everything he has in order to obtain it. The notes said, “Seeking Christ’s kingdom is worth whatever it costs.”
I think if I truly meditated on what Christ’s kingdom means, the “costs” in my life – sleep, putzing on my phone, etc – would seem so insignificant in comparison. As I’ve been running this through my mind this week, I came to a point where I told God, “I want you to have it all.” Then, I started listing all the tough things in my life. “God, take my lack of energy, take my parents’ health issues, take my uncertainties about what to do in the future, take my sensitive feelings….”
After I’d exhausted that list, I realized, Hey! He should get all the good parts of me too! So, I started again. “God, take my writing ability, take my teaching skills, take my mothering and wife-ing, take my passion for decluttering, take my health, you can use all of that as you want too!” In prayer at least, I felt like I’d given him all I had. The Jason Mraz song “Have It All” cheerfully played in my head as a soundtrack for this moment.
Then, I felt God speak back to me. “I want you to have it all too.”
When I said it to Him, it was an unburdening of all the stuff I’m carrying. When He said it to me, it was like a glorious Christmas/birthday extravaganza of amazing gifts! Brooke, you give Me some of your sleep, and guess what I have for you? Peace and power to thrive as a mom all day! I’ve got so much of that to give you! Brooke, you put down those chips and tell me what you’re upset about and guess what I’m holding out to you…so very happy to give you? JOY! I have joy for you in a place where you’re used to accepting sadness and shame. I have the riches of heaven and I want you to HAVE IT ALL.
When God asks for all of me, it’s not because He wants to deplete me and rob my sense of self. I think He wants to give me Himself. He wants me to exchange unsatisfying fillers for the rich life of His resources by the power of the Holy Spirit – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control. Time and time again, I choose to stick with my comfortable patterns. I hope that I will increasingly have the courage to make those briefly uncomfortable jumps into new patterns of life. Whatever God is offering, I want it all.
Matthew 13:44-46 The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in the field, which a man found and hid again; and from joy over it he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field. Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking fine pearls, and upon finding one pearl of great value, he went and sold all that he had and bought it.
