In
January of this year, my husband and I attended an orientation for prospective
foster families. There’s more to the
story of how we got to that point, but for today, I want to share about our
foster journey in the past month.
In the
past month, nothing has happened towards getting licensed. A month ago, we were scheduled to have our
first home visit. That week, our
licensor cancelled and let us know she was switching jobs so we’d be assigned
to another licensor. Weeks passed with
no communication. During those quiet
weeks, our world changed in other significant ways. Because of the Corona Virus Pandemic, we
entered a season of staying at home that’s still in effect as I write
this. I had no idea how this pause would
positively change our foster journey.
Backing
up a bit, you should know that once we said yes to fostering, I dove in. I took the training classes online so I could
learn during my boys’ naptime. Every day
I took a class, I cried and journaled to process what I was learning. For me, part of choosing foster care means
choosing to see things in our community that I’d rather not know about. I started with this naïve idea that maybe we’d
help a less traumatized child. You know,
eat snacks and read books until their mom and dad got jobs again. My friend who is a current
foster parent reminded me that for a child to be removed from home, significant trauma has occurred. Not
only that, but the very act of being removed is in itself a trauma. These reasons and situations were hard to
learn.
After
completing training, my brain fixated on all of my parenting flaws. There seems to be a high bar for being
licensed. That’s a good thing, but for
me, it was intimidating. Jeff and
I would be welcoming outside scrutiny and control over our home and
parenting. Every time I dealt with
something with my little boys, I’d think, ‘A social worker would reject us for
sure if s/he knew I just yelled at the kids.’
It made me so anxious.
Then,
the lull came. A month of quarantined
quiet. No classes, no paperwork, or anything
foster-related. No activities of any
other kind either. Do you know what happened? By God’s grace, I’m becoming a
more peaceful parent. Who would’ve
thought that no breaks from my kids would eventually strengthen our
relationship? That’s God for you.
I say
eventually because it’s still a day by day journey. When we foster, we won’t be able to
spank. I don’t spank often, but because
of choosing fostering, I’ve been trying to build other tools in my parenting
tool belt by disciplining my boys the way I’m supposed to treat a foster
child. It’s caused me to slow way down
instead of being quick and reactive. It’s
caused me to listen and teach, rather than ignore and punish. Being outside a lot helps so much too, I think. We’re all happier in the fresh air. This new way of approaching discipline has
especially benefited my relationship with my four year old. He is a fighter, a negotiator, and would daily
wear me down. Now, when he sees me kneel down
and say, “Looks like you’re angry. Want a hug or help solving the problem?”, suddenly his guard goes down. It certainly doesn’t look perfect, but
perfect is no longer the goal.
That
brings me to the next amazing change during this month of our foster journey
being paused: I don’t feel that same
stress of being evaluated. I really like
our family. I am happy with who we are
and what we have to offer a child who needs a spot to stay for a while. How could we ever be perfect? Kids who stay with us will get scrapes and
bruises from time to time, not because our home is unsafe, but because we love
to run and play here. Kids who stay with
us will make mistakes and have times to learn better coping skills. But guess what? That’s what the four of us are doing every
day too! Join the crew! We’ve done what we can to comply with the
rules and are ready to offer our regular old selves for service.
Because
of these unique times we’re living in, our first home study is scheduled again….
but on Zoom. Here we go!
