“You make known to me the path of life; in your presence is fullness of joy…” Psalm 16:11
I am nearly always with my kids, but I am inconsistently present with them.
As a homeschooling mother of three children aged seven, five, and 19 months, going to the bathroom by myself is a luxury. I used to think mothers were exaggerating when they said stuff like that, but it turns out to be true. The majority of my weekday hours, someone is touching me or just within arm’s reach - on my lap, eating from my plate, hanging on my leg, or just bouncing on the couch next to where I’m reading. More than just the physical aspect of being with my kids, there’s a mental and emotional component. One of my kids is more social and wants to talk with me throughout the day. Each has some measure of tantrums, obstinance, and anger. They need help from me. I’m trying to teach the older two while simultaneously keeping the youngest from tearing the house apart. When I feel the heaviness of all this with-ness, it makes me want to escape.
I felt this way sometimes when I lived in China. While I loved being immersed in another culture, like motherhood, at times it was too much. Adapting and adjusting all the time wore me out. I wanted escape and it was difficult to find a healthy way to do so. China was everywhere.
During this time, a counter-intuitive practice became my balm. When I wanted escape, I ended up doing the opposite. I had a walking loop that took me from my apartment, through the busy main street, and finally into alleyways accessed only by bicycles and foot traffic. The alleys were snugly packed with life – cart vendors each selling a specialty snack, grandparents caring for chubby babies in layers of warm clothing, old men playing cards and mah-jongg, kids running up to me to try out English phrases. Instead of just being in China, I walked slowly and was present with China. I stood in front of my favorite tree with the gnarled, almost braided roots. I bought fried bread and asked the vendor where he was from. I made eye contact with people and smiled. Eventually, the walk opened out onto a large bridge, back to the main road and the guard shack outside the school where I lived. Five flights of concrete steps back to my door. Back to the apartment where instead of hiding from China, I could just rest. I didn’t need to escape anymore.
I’ve been wondering if this same practice of presence may bring needed life into my motherhood. I’m curious to try it. What would it look like to not just be in the same space as my kids, but to listen carefully to them, engage with what they’re saying, sit down with what they’re doing? I imagine it will feel awkward at first. I’m used to being mostly focused on what I have to get done or the stress of taking care of everyone. Maybe the tasks from which I most desire escape will be the activities that ground our family in deeper joy and satisfaction.
A big part of why I write is to bring attention to the goodness of God. So, I don’t want to end this post without connecting these ideas to spiritual life. What I’ve said about motherhood and China can equally be said about my relationship with God. I am good at doing Christian things. I go to church, I read the Bible to my kids, I listen to worship songs on the radio, I’m involved in daily Bible study. I know God is always with me. But do I stop and allow His presence to sink in to my consciousness? Not really. Sometimes, I’m more likely to hold God at arm’s length because I don’t believe He likes me very much. It feels uncomfortable for me to just sit in the knowledge that I’m loved no matter what. That I have His help and wisdom if I ask. That He wants me. I see a sunset and say, “Wow.” I acknowledge that my Creator made such beauty. But maybe what I need is to let Him in. To listen if He wants to say anything to me. To let the attitude of my heart be open to however He wants to show me love in any given moment, instead of trying to make do all on my own.
This writing will need a part two, somewhere down the road. My husband and I are trying something new with homeschooling that will give space to try this concept of being present instead of just being with. I’ll let you know how it goes. Peace be with you in abundance, readers.
