I Have a Daughter

 

“You finally got your girl!”

 

My daughter recently turned one year old.  She’s precious and her smile lights up the room.  When people see me with my two sons and baby daughter, they often assume that we had another child because we were trying for a girl.  It feels awkward to push back when people are just trying to say something nice, but it doesn’t sit right with me to agree either.  For a few months now, I’ve been meaning to write a post about having a daughter.  Today, I noticed people celebrating their daughters on Facebook, so I thought, here’s my day to write that piece.  Here’s my story of “finally” having a daughter.

 

I got married late-ish in life.  In the grand scheme of things, thirty-four wasn’t old, but it was far past when I expected I’d be married and have a family of my own.  My husband and I hoped we’d be able to have at least one child.  A year and a few months past our first anniversary, we had our first son.  Two years later, our second child came, another boy.  I had no problem with having two sons, but I also took a moment to process that I probably wasn’t ever going to have a daughter.  Because of my age, I didn’t imagine myself being pregnant again.  I’d always wondered what it’d be like to have a little girl, and now it seemed like that wasn’t going to be part of my life.  I processed it, accepted it, and moved on to enjoying my boys.

 

Sometimes, in a store, I’d glance at all the cute little girl outfits, shoes, and bows.  I didn’t want to brood or feel sorry for myself, but I wanted to acknowledge the part of me that likes all the girly stuff.  So, I bought some things for my friend’s new baby girl and I specifically picked out things I would choose if I had a daughter.  My friend would text me photos of her little girl in the clothes and it made me happy to see how adorable she was. 

 

Fast forward a couple of years, and I’m still doing great with my sweet boys.  I didn’t desire to be pregnant again, but surprisingly, I kept feeling like God was asking me to just not be afraid of getting pregnant.  The feeling wouldn’t go away.  I spent time looking at what the Bible says and I felt even more strongly that God loves life and children are a gift in His eyes.  Life is to be welcomed, not feared.  I finally mentioned it to my husband and he had been feeling similarly.  He just wasn’t sure about bringing it up, since we were previously content with just our two kids.  It seemed like God was encouraging us to welcome life, so we changed our attitude to a yes, instead of trying to prevent.  Very soon after our yes, I was pregnant.

 

Fast forward again to our third child’s ultrasound.  I like finding out the gender because it helps me better bond with my baby inside.  It makes them seem less anonymous.  I went in to the appointment fully expecting a boy.  I was doing great with boys.  A third would be such a cute little crew.  The ultrasound technician announced, “You have a daughter!”  I started to cry.  I was embarrassed for responding that way, and it felt difficult to explain because I didn’t even really know why I was reacting that way.  I walked away from the appointment in disbelief.

 

It took quite some time to adjust to the idea that I was going to have a little girl.  I worried about being a good enough role model as a woman.  But more than that, I wasn’t sure how to reverse saying goodbye.  I’d already made peace with no daughter.  I wasn’t pining for one.  I was okay.  What do I feel now that the reality I thought was dead is alive again? 

 

So, I gave birth to a beautiful little girl.  We named her Trinity, a name from my husband’s list ever since our first pregnancy.  It wasn't my favorite name before, but when I was pregnant, I just wholeheartedly felt like I was carrying our Trinity.  Now, I adore the name and it’s perfect for her.  I’m not sure if differences in raising Trinity are because she’s a girl, or just because she’s her own person with her own personality.  All three of our kids are wonderfully unique. 

 

When people say, “You finally got your girl!”  I now respond with, “I love having boys and I’m so happy with my girl too.”  That feels true and keeps me from rattling on about my spiritual/ emotional journey of having a daughter! 

 

The final thing that makes me smile is this:  remember those clothes I bought for my friend’s daughter?  Those clothes came back to me.  My friend gave me a box of things her daughter had outgrown that I can use for Trinity.  So, back when I was choosing things, I was buying things for my own daughter without knowing it.  I love how God does things like that.

 

I have a daughter.  She was a hope, then an acceptance, and then a rebirth.

 

God writes beautiful stories and I’m grateful that this particular little girl, Trinity, is a part of mine. 

Three Mes

 

 

Winter Me

 

Sweet September

Summer eases into fall with cool bookends supporting the still-warm days

I linger in the sun

And savor post-dinner walks

Dusk comes a fraction earlier each evening

Sparking threads of anxiety about dark winter days to come.

Winter Me nudges gently,

“I know you’re sweaty,

I know you’ve done all the summer things,

But, please, go outside,

Spray the kids with the hose,

Put your bare feet in the warm grass,

Eat the last juice-dripping peaches.

These days are beautiful,

Precious,

And fading.

The next season holds its own beauty,

And strength to endure the cold and dark.

But for Me, the one making the most of staying inside more,

Would you get out and soak up just a little more sun?”

 

 

Mom of Teenagers Me

 

My friends post photo memories

Bittersweet at their little ones now grown

I see a reflection of my own little ones in those photos

And remember to savor this time

The future Me, the Mom of Teenagers, wraps me in an invisible hug.

“I know you’re tired,

I know it seems impossible that they’ll grow up,

But, they do and they did.

While you’re still there with those little ones,

Could you kiss their sweet, sticky faces one more time?

Could you stop and listen fully to their big, outrageous ideas?

Could you say yes to something silly that’ll make their day?

These days are beautiful,

Precious,

And fading.

The next season holds its own beauty,

And new strength for new challenges.

But for Me, the one with tall, young men eating me out of house and home,

Would you give yourself fully to your babies?”

 

 

Eternal Me

 

This time on earth seems long,

Forty-two is a significant chunk of life.

I wonder if I have the capacity to do more

Than my daily to do list.

Eternal Me sings a song that envelops my senses,

“I know you’re scared,

I know you don’t want to fail,

But, there is a God - faithful beyond your comprehension

Who will get you through anything that comes.

Say YES.

Open your home, be a living shelter for another child,

Give your money, your things, your time.

The suffering and sacrifice will be so brief in comparison to what’s next.

These days are beautiful,

Precious,

And fading.

The next season will never end,

And you will be so glad for every decision you ever made to honor Christ.

So for Me, the one who sees the glory of God’s face,

Would you give all you have for His sake?”

 

 

 

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Divine Thread

 

I’m slowly, slowly losing you.

I don’t know precisely when pieces of you started leaving,

The differences just added up more noticeably one day.

 

Since then, I’ve set my mind on enjoying you.

Whatever you is the one in front of me at the time,

That’s the one I love and try to laugh with.

 

It doesn’t make sense to fault you for not being who you were.

For not remembering our shared life and stories,

Or how to do the special things you used to do for our family.

 

I blamelessly love you today.

You can ask the same question again and again if you need to,

I’ll eventually get annoyed; but you can still ask.

 

It’s not the end of the world if your shirt is on backwards,

But it’s sad to see your independence slip.

I’ll put the tag in back, but I grieve that you can’t.

 

In the space between my visits,

I lose you a little more.

I have to get reacquainted with what you remember now.

 

I feel certain there will be a day when you don’t know me anymore.

I keep thinking, “Thank you, God, that she still knows me.”

I keep my thoughts present, with who you are in front of me.

 

It’s like a part of me thinks that when you stop remembering me,

I’ll somehow stop being your daughter, and you my mother.

As if the declining part of your brain could sever who we are.

 

You and I are forever sewn together by divine thread,

God knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I’ve even heard some of my cells may remain in your brain.

 

Did you know I’m letting go of Grandma’s rocking chair?

I feel scared that it makes me lose her too,

Though she’s been gone from earth for years.

 

But she’s the thread before you,

And you tied me into her.

Now I’ll tie you both to my daughter.

 

There are generations linked before and beyond,

Through God’s design and intention.

Not through a brain’s ability to remember.

 

So when I feel like you’re slipping away,

When I start to fear what’s ahead,

I’ll remember this divine thread.

 

I’ll hold on to our unbreakable bond.

 

 

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