Transformation: Post 1, Motherhood

Romans 12:2  (NIV) 

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

TRANSFORM.  Instead of making resolutions in January, I always ask God for a word to define my year.  A few days into 2016, God gave me “transform”.  I laughed for two reasons:

 #1:  I was giant pregnant at the time (40 weeks and counting), so I certainly hoped I’d transform from that burgeoning state to a slimmer, baby-holding one.

 #2:  My brothers watched the original Transformers show when we were little, so the theme song played in my head.  “Transformers, robots in disguise.  Transformers, more than meets the eye.”

I thought a little more about those TV robots.  They were actually pretty bad-ass.  Looking at them in car form, you’d underestimate the big, strong machine they could become.  Transformers can battle anything in their path!  Yeah.  I started to like this word.  Maybe God had some power coming up in my life.

So, now it’s December 30^th.  2016 is almost over.  My transform year.  What happened?  What changed?  A lot, actually.  Looking through my journal, I narrowed it down to five big ones.  Five things that I didn’t see coming, didn’t know were possible, and am now ridiculously joyful about.  They are:  motherhood, Catholicism, consistency, no panic, and no sugar.  I’m going to share them one at a time in separate posts.  I thought I might get more reader interest if I abbreviated it into one, all-encompassing post, but writing this blog is for me too, and I’d like to process each individually.

There are two important elements that bind the five transformations together, like a book with its spine and cover.  First, absolutely NONE of this would be possible without the awesome power of God.  He is the Author of life, and His Spirit working inside me is the only road to change.  Through this year, I learned that I don’t just need God in order to get better at life, but that He is my life.  The transformations started as the focus, but each one is actually the result (or the Christianese “fruit”) of finding satisfaction and strength in God.  Second, transformation is better with a buddy.  As I reflect on the five areas, I see how God put a key person or cluster of people beside me to give hope and encouragement.  The TV Transformers weren’t alone in their battles, and neither was I.  It’s been a bad-ass year.

Transformation 1:  Motherhood

I think the transformation into motherhood seems obvious.  I went from not having a child to having a child.  There were lots of changes to my physical environment (read: toys and soiled clothing everywhere), daily schedule (or lack thereof), and emotions (lots of them).  While tough, these are not the parts of motherhood that merit the association with my word from God.  My true motherhood transformation happened in the middle of the night.

My son, Luke, was not a good sleeper.  Before having a baby, I imagined myself having these strong instincts to comfort my little one when I was needed.  In reality, what came forth under pressure was a whole mess of selfishness.  I didn’t want to get up again.  I didn’t want to rock him while he screamed.  I didn’t want to breast feed.  I just wanted to sleep and have my body left alone.

I’m married to a man who is a teammate like no other.  Jeff was up, taking shifts too, despite needing to go to work the next morning.  I appreciated him, but I also fought with him under the pressure.  My shifts often ended with me having a panic attack and Jeff taking over earlier than expected.  I couldn’t stay calm with the low sleep and Luke’s inexplicably intense cries.  Then, I felt guilty because Jeff had to make up for my weakness.   It was a very dark time.

 When Luke was five months old, he was still waking up crying about six times a night. Jeff and I got advice, read things, tried things, and finally just resigned ourselves to being up with a crying baby multiple times every night.   I didn’t like talking with other mothers about it anymore.  Jeff told me that he had stopped praying for Luke to sleep better.  He was praying that we would learn whatever God had for us through this situation.  You’d think I’d look lovingly at my hubs and appreciate his faith, but I totally lost it.  I got mad.  “I don’t want your prayer,” I told him, “I want sleep.”

In the end, I got sleep and I got the answer to Jeff’s prayer.  My friend, Laura, is a mother of five.  She told me that those middle of the night times were her battle hours.  That’s when she prayed and did spiritual warfare on behalf of her family.  When Laura told me that, I thought, ‘Well, you’re stronger than I am.  Good for you.’  But, that night, when I started praying for Luke to sleep well, God helped me take a step of surrender.  A step of transformation.  I prayed, “God, please give me grace to handle whatever happens tonight.”  It was another crappy night. 

During this time, my cousin texted and asked for my prayer request.  Back then, he was struggling with his relationship with God and decided to be more active in prayer.  I texted back about our sleep situation.  I said, “Why do I even pray when every night is a total crapshoot?”  He didn’t have any answers, but he prayed.  That night, Luke slept six hours straight.  A new record for Luke, a boost of faith for my cousin, and a taste of restoration for me and Jeff.

Another night, I was up with Luke and God reminded me of Laura’s battle stories.  I felt too tired and too out-of-faith to pray for Luke to calm down, but I decided I could sing.  Over the top of Luke’s cries, not caring if I woke Jeff up (sorry, Love!), I sang, “In heavenly armor we’ll enter the land; the battle belongs to the Lord!  No weapon that’s fashioned against us will stand; the battle belongs to the Lord!  And we sing, glory, honor, power and strength to the Lord!”  When that song was over, I sang another.  And another.  Luke cried and my faith and peace increased.  My situation didn’t change, but my heart did.  It was a battleground of transformation.  Eventually, he went back to sleep.  Energized, I didn’t go straight back to bed, but walked the hallway a little more and prayed for our family.  I got to sleep a little bit, and Luke still woke up later.  It was a kick in the behind.  I wanted the rest of the night to be easier because I had done the right thing, the holy thing, you know?  It didn’t work that way.  I was mad again.

I never found a formula.  This is not an A+B=C, tidy kind of story.  I didn’t become a nighttime Mary Poppins who sings the kids to sleep while she sews.  Luke does sleep through the night now and I even eat breakfast and get dressed before he gets up most days.  It’s amazing.  But, I still hate getting up in the middle of the night when there’s an issue.  I deal with fears of having another baby and being in that intense season again.   The difference is, my heart is open to what God wants to give in those places.  I’m willing to trust that He is good, even if everything stays the same as I see it.  I’m willing to praise Him when it’s not going my way.  That's a big deal!  It wouldn’t have happened without months of low-sleep nights.  I’m grateful for the transforming fire of motherhood.