Reminders of God's Faithfulness

One year ago today, my Mom passed away.  Leading up to her death, God did some amazing and special things.  I wasn’t ready to write about it last year, but now I’d like to share something from that time.

 

A Castle

 

When I found out my Mom had had a bad fall and was in the ICU, I called my college roommate Stephanie and asked if I could sleep on the floor of her apartment for a couple of nights.  It was last minute and I felt like God brought her strongly to my mind.  As it turned out, Stephanie was house-sitting at a house that was designed to look like a castle.  She welcomed me to stay with her and our college friend, Mary, who was visiting her that weekend.  It seems silly – I didn’t need a castle – but I write this as an example of God’s extravagant love.  At a time when I was learning that my Mom wasn’t going to live much longer, God let me come home at night to a house on Lake Washington, with two deeply loving friends who had food, hugs, and movies for me.  They even made a gift basket of things I’d love and put it next to the bed.  I took a bubble bath in a giant bathroom with white twinkly lights on the ceiling.  I ate dinner with friends overlooking the lake.  I slept in a big, plush bed.  It was a soothing cocoon after hours next to my Mom’s bedside, processing a reality for which I didn’t feel ready.

 

Revisiting Landmarks of God’s Faithfulness

 

After two nights in the castle, I planned to go back home for a couple of days.  My Mom was going to transfer from the ICU to a hospice center.  I’d come back to her there.  Stephanie took Mary to the airport early that morning.  I ate breakfast and packed up with the company of my furry friend, Tiara, the castle family’s little dog.  I couldn’t do my last ICU visit until 10am, but I was antsy to leave the castle.  I didn’t feel like sitting around, even in those beautiful surroundings. 

 

I decided to drive over to Northwest University, where I’d gone to school.  What started as a way to kill time turned out to be a tour of God’s faithfulness in my life.  I went around campus, I went past a special park with trails I used to run, I drove by the house where I worked for a wonderful family, and I stopped in the parking lot of the Victorian mansion bed and breakfast where I lived in the attic.  With each landmark, memories popped up.  As they came, I prayed out loud:

 

“God, You were faithful to me in these dorms.  You gave me incredible roommates and friends.”

“God, You were faithful to me in this classroom.  I learned from amazing professors and You helped me pay for school so I could be a teacher.”

“God, You were faithful to me in this parking lot.  When my parents were getting divorced, You gave me a song to remind me that I’m never alone.”

“God, You were faithful to provide this job for me.  This family cared for me like I was their own.  It was provision on so many levels.”

“God, You provided a place to live that I could afford.  You helped me pay off all my debt early and I had a view of the lake and a place to run!”

 

It went on and on.  It was so powerful.  By the time it was visiting hours at the ICU, my heart was overflowing with gratitude, faith, and strength.

 

I played favorite songs for my Mom, believing that she could somehow hear.  I talked to her about good memories.  I thanked her for things.  It was hard and it was good.

 

Today, it’s hard to believe that one year has passed since losing her from this earth.  I like to imagine her in heaven, free and painless, in the presence of Jesus.  Thinking of her that way encourages me to look for heaven on earth – all the ways that God is shouting who He is to us here on earth.  He is extravagantly loving, faithful, and kind.  The reminders are everywhere when I let Him show me.

Making Choices

 

I am recovering from compulsively eating sugar and other foods that trigger an addictive response.  This past week, I wrote in my journal about how I still want to eat “freely”, without any boundaries.  I shared my thoughts on a Facebook group with like-minded people.  In response, one group member mentioned 1 Corinthians 10:23:

 

Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.

 

I’ve been thinking about it ever since.  I want to share what’s come up so far.

 

Agency

 

While exploring this topic, the word agency has come up several times.  In psychology, it means “a person’s ability to initiate and control their actions and the feeling they have of being in charge of their actions.”(reference)  As a stay-at-home mom of three kids, my sense of agency can be low.  It seems like I have no choice but to make dinner at the right time, comfort the one who fell down, do the laundry, help with homework.  It’s demanding.  However, I have more agency than I think I do.  For example, while it’s not a great choice, I could choose to not make dinner.  The choice exists.  I could let my kids go hungry.  I choose not to.  When it’s a tough day, we eat something easy.  Or, my husband makes dinner.  Or, we go out to eat.  However we do it, I stick with the choice of feeding my kids regular meals.

 

Making a Choice

 

I’ve recently experienced longer stretches of abstinence from sugar.  The way my mind and body feel without sugar and other processed foods is better than I could have imagined.  It’s a good choice.  When I slip, the irritability, inflammation, and mental battle return immediately.  I’m learning to respond to life without using food to cope.  It’s tough.  And, it’s a good choice.

 

Guarding the Choice

 

So, everything is permissible (ie: I have choices), but not everything is beneficial (ie: not all choices edify).  Now that I’ve made some choices that I believe to be life-giving, how do I protect what I’ve chosen?  This made me think of my marriage.

 

I had agency in picking a husband.  I prayed about it for many years and I believe God beautifully provided Jeff, the man I married.  He is a very good choice, beyond my expectations.  It’s a choice worth guarding.  There are movies and shows that I don’t watch because they distract and provide false fantasies about relationships.  I’m intentional in not looking at men with their shirts off.  I don’t have close friendships with other guys and I keep my interactions as transparent as I can.  None of this is because I’m scared that I’ll do something inappropriate.  It’s because Jeff matters so deeply to me that I don’t want even a sliver of something else to mess with our marriage; our choice for each other.

 

With sugar recovery, I have more work to do towards guarding the decision to be abstinent.  I still spend time thinking about foods I used to enjoy.  Today, I made pancakes for my son and I brought one right up to my nose to inhale the warm, buttery smell.  When I was working with a recovery coach about five months ago, my family supported me by not having any tempting foods in the house.  Over time, we’ve loosened up again with what’s available, and it’s harder for me.  Guarding my choice to be abstinent probably looks like tightening up again; not having sugar accessible.  It looks like not watching baking shows.  It looks like calling my accountability buddies when I’m struggling.  What I do and what I need will likely change over time.  Right now, I’m still pretty susceptible to old, destructive choices, so my guards need to be strong.

 

Investing in the Choice

 

It’s not enough to just protect the good choices I’ve made, like taking good care of my kids, my marriage, and my health.  I can put a fence around a rose bush and keep deer from eating it.  But plant needs nourishment and attention to thrive. 

 

How can I invest in this life, free from food addiction?  I’m doing one of the things right now:  learning from the process, writing about it, and sharing it with others.  When I share my experiences with others, it challenges the part of me that wants to hide.  It forces me to stay connected to a community of people with similar struggles.  I need that.  I need to learn from their experiences too.  Along those lines, I push myself to stay in touch with my accountability buddies and join group calls with my former recovery coach and others choosing abstinence.  I meal prep and have lots of really delicious foods available for meal times.  I spend time with God.  For a while, I skipped that part because somehow I told myself that if my Bible study didn’t happen first thing in the morning, I had failed that day.  Now, I drop my sons off at school, go home, and let my daughter watch a show for a half hour while I spend time with God.  He empowers me in the decisions that lead to life.

 

Choosing Him

 

That leads me to my final reflection, which is, that God gave us all the ability to choose Him.  1 John 4:19 says

 

We love because He first loved us.

 

God chose to love me.  The world He created shouts it out to us.  His Word, revealed in the Bible, gives further voice to what Creation is already telling us: God loves the people He created and He wants to be with us, in deep relationship!  It’s His hand, open-palmed, extended.

 

I am not forced to love Him back.  When I was seven years old, at Vacation Bible School, I made a decision.  I chose Jesus.  He’s the best choice I ever made.  Remember that song?

 

I have decided, to follow Jesus, no turning back, no turning back….

 

Every day, I can ask God to show me what to choose and to give me the power to do so.  My first protected, invested choice is Him.  The other choices can flow from that first commitment, as the Holy Spirit helps me each step of the way.  I’m on my way to more freedom, more joy, and even access to choices I haven’t dared to dream yet.  All because of Him.

 

 

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