Making Choices

 

I am recovering from compulsively eating sugar and other foods that trigger an addictive response.  This past week, I wrote in my journal about how I still want to eat “freely”, without any boundaries.  I shared my thoughts on a Facebook group with like-minded people.  In response, one group member mentioned 1 Corinthians 10:23:

 

Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.

 

I’ve been thinking about it ever since.  I want to share what’s come up so far.

 

Agency

 

While exploring this topic, the word agency has come up several times.  In psychology, it means “a person’s ability to initiate and control their actions and the feeling they have of being in charge of their actions.”(reference)  As a stay-at-home mom of three kids, my sense of agency can be low.  It seems like I have no choice but to make dinner at the right time, comfort the one who fell down, do the laundry, help with homework.  It’s demanding.  However, I have more agency than I think I do.  For example, while it’s not a great choice, I could choose to not make dinner.  The choice exists.  I could let my kids go hungry.  I choose not to.  When it’s a tough day, we eat something easy.  Or, my husband makes dinner.  Or, we go out to eat.  However we do it, I stick with the choice of feeding my kids regular meals.

 

Making a Choice

 

I’ve recently experienced longer stretches of abstinence from sugar.  The way my mind and body feel without sugar and other processed foods is better than I could have imagined.  It’s a good choice.  When I slip, the irritability, inflammation, and mental battle return immediately.  I’m learning to respond to life without using food to cope.  It’s tough.  And, it’s a good choice.

 

Guarding the Choice

 

So, everything is permissible (ie: I have choices), but not everything is beneficial (ie: not all choices edify).  Now that I’ve made some choices that I believe to be life-giving, how do I protect what I’ve chosen?  This made me think of my marriage.

 

I had agency in picking a husband.  I prayed about it for many years and I believe God beautifully provided Jeff, the man I married.  He is a very good choice, beyond my expectations.  It’s a choice worth guarding.  There are movies and shows that I don’t watch because they distract and provide false fantasies about relationships.  I’m intentional in not looking at men with their shirts off.  I don’t have close friendships with other guys and I keep my interactions as transparent as I can.  None of this is because I’m scared that I’ll do something inappropriate.  It’s because Jeff matters so deeply to me that I don’t want even a sliver of something else to mess with our marriage; our choice for each other.

 

With sugar recovery, I have more work to do towards guarding the decision to be abstinent.  I still spend time thinking about foods I used to enjoy.  Today, I made pancakes for my son and I brought one right up to my nose to inhale the warm, buttery smell.  When I was working with a recovery coach about five months ago, my family supported me by not having any tempting foods in the house.  Over time, we’ve loosened up again with what’s available, and it’s harder for me.  Guarding my choice to be abstinent probably looks like tightening up again; not having sugar accessible.  It looks like not watching baking shows.  It looks like calling my accountability buddies when I’m struggling.  What I do and what I need will likely change over time.  Right now, I’m still pretty susceptible to old, destructive choices, so my guards need to be strong.

 

Investing in the Choice

 

It’s not enough to just protect the good choices I’ve made, like taking good care of my kids, my marriage, and my health.  I can put a fence around a rose bush and keep deer from eating it.  But plant needs nourishment and attention to thrive. 

 

How can I invest in this life, free from food addiction?  I’m doing one of the things right now:  learning from the process, writing about it, and sharing it with others.  When I share my experiences with others, it challenges the part of me that wants to hide.  It forces me to stay connected to a community of people with similar struggles.  I need that.  I need to learn from their experiences too.  Along those lines, I push myself to stay in touch with my accountability buddies and join group calls with my former recovery coach and others choosing abstinence.  I meal prep and have lots of really delicious foods available for meal times.  I spend time with God.  For a while, I skipped that part because somehow I told myself that if my Bible study didn’t happen first thing in the morning, I had failed that day.  Now, I drop my sons off at school, go home, and let my daughter watch a show for a half hour while I spend time with God.  He empowers me in the decisions that lead to life.

 

Choosing Him

 

That leads me to my final reflection, which is, that God gave us all the ability to choose Him.  1 John 4:19 says

 

We love because He first loved us.

 

God chose to love me.  The world He created shouts it out to us.  His Word, revealed in the Bible, gives further voice to what Creation is already telling us: God loves the people He created and He wants to be with us, in deep relationship!  It’s His hand, open-palmed, extended.

 

I am not forced to love Him back.  When I was seven years old, at Vacation Bible School, I made a decision.  I chose Jesus.  He’s the best choice I ever made.  Remember that song?

 

I have decided, to follow Jesus, no turning back, no turning back….

 

Every day, I can ask God to show me what to choose and to give me the power to do so.  My first protected, invested choice is Him.  The other choices can flow from that first commitment, as the Holy Spirit helps me each step of the way.  I’m on my way to more freedom, more joy, and even access to choices I haven’t dared to dream yet.  All because of Him.

 

 

photo credit 

Running Out of Reasons

To get through winter more joyfully this year, I made an idea list for each month.  I wrote down things that encompassed the feeling of that month or things that match the weather.  February had me trying new tea blends, bundling up and looking at the stars, and writing love notes.  March is transitioning from winter to spring.  It can be rainy, so I added “jump in puddles” to the list.  I don’t actually like jumping in puddles, but I thought, ‘Why not?  It’ll be out of my comfort zone.’

 

Two days ago, the perfect puddle jumping day presented itself.  It was cold, it was wet, and we needed to walk our dog.  My four year old daughter and I looked outside with whiny reluctance.  Neither of us wanted to go out.  “Hey,” I said, thinking of my checklist, “Let’s find puddles and jump in them as we go!”  My daughter was instantly sold.  She donned her pink rubber boots and off we went. 

 

We found great puddles.  We got soaked.  It was cold and wet.  It was uncomfortable.  And, it was a lot of fun.  We couldn’t help but laugh and look for even bigger puddles, bigger splashes.

 

The weather was a very good reason not to walk.  To stay inside.  No one would fault us for that.  But, just beyond that normal threshold of comfort, beyond that excuse, there lay surprising and refreshing joy. 

 

As a recovering sugar addict, I keep bumping up against scenarios in which I would normally binge on sugar.  For example, on Tuesday, two of my kids were sick and our puppy began her period.  That felt like a big load of extra responsibility on a regular weekday.  I didn’t want to go out in that rain, so to speak.  The Brooke who uses sugar to deal with life would have needed some serious snacks to take care of all those needs.  Sugar isn’t one of my tools now.  I didn’t have a good enough reason to fall back on food.

 

Then, yesterday, I was at the grocery store by myself.  That used to be another good reason to binge on candy.  If I was by myself, I could buy something I wanted and no kids would beg me for it or comment on how much I was eating.  It’s not a reason anymore.  I say that with a sigh.  I really wanted it to be a legitimate reason to buy some Easter chocolate I love.  I thought about my accountability friends, I thought about who I’m becoming, I thought about how terrible it felt to be trapped in impulsive eating.  Just like that, “being alone at the grocery store” got erased from the list of good reasons to abuse myself with food.

 

I’m thinking of others still on the list:  what if I get really bad news, or I’m too tired, too stressed?  What if I don’t have healthy food ready when I’m hungry?  What do I do on my birthday (hasn’t happened yet since giving up sugar)…?  The reasons are fading fast.

 

It wasn’t comfortable to take care of sick kids and figure out how to diaper a dog.  I didn’t plan on doing that all in the same day.  I didn’t like it, but I did it.  I did it without sugar.  That in itself was its own joy.  Addicted Brooke couldn’t imagine taking on big discomfort without sugar numbing the sharp edges of the situation.  Beyond that, it was nice to have my boys at home.  We read under a blanket on the couch.  We walked the dog (it was sunny that time).  We ditched the usual responsibilities and just hung out together. 

 

The next time it rains, the proclivity to stay inside won’t be as strong.  I know what it feels like to get outside anyway.  I know that God can help me take care of sick kids.  I know that He can steer me past Easter candy at the store.  I know that He hides joy in uncomfortable situations.  I’m running out of reasons to stay stuck.