Transformation 4: No Panic

This is the fourth post in a five part collection about my word from God for 2016 – TRANSFORM.

Last week, I read a Facebook comment from a discussion group I follow.  The woman said she suffered from debilitating anxiety.  I began typing a reply to tell her that I would pray for her.  I started with, “I struggle with anxiety too…”  Then I stopped.  Backspace, backspace, backspace.  That’s no longer accurate.  I started over, “There was a time in my recent past where anxiety dominated my life.  I will be praying for you.”

One of God’s beautiful transformations in the past year was to set me free from panic attacks.  I’m still letting my new reality soak in.  I used to think it was healthy and realistic to accept that panic would always be a part of my life in some way; like an embarrassing, outdated tattoo I’d always try to hide. 

Since I’ve written about my battle with panic attacks before, I’ll just provide a brief background here.  Many people experience panic attacks differently.  I found a definition that says a panic attack is “a sudden feeling of acute and disabling anxiety.”  For me, that meant a worry that would escalate into hyperventilating, heart racing, crying, and severe chest pressure.  I would become gripped with fear and often not be completely certain how it started or what I was upset about.  This could last anywhere from a couple of minutes to fifteen minutes.  The worst part was always not being able to breathe.  It’s a very scary feeling.

These attacks started six years ago and stopped somewhere in mid 2016.  I can’t tell you when exactly they ended, which I actually love.  It’s distant enough that I have no memory of a recent attack.  There was a time in this six year period in which I was having two or three panic attacks in a day.  My healing has been a gradual one.  A big piece was being diagnosed with Celiac disease.  Through panic attacks, my body was trying to tell me it needed help.  The day I found out, my naturopath told me, “If I didn’t know you, but just looked at these blood results, I’d say this is a non-functioning person.”  I’ve been through changes in relationship, medication, counseling, prayer, exercise, and a host of other factors that have contributed to better panic management.  At the start of 2016 I would say my panic was manageable.  Present, but manageable.  I could live with that, but God had another plan.

I believe panic left completely through the question, “What if….?”  “What if?” has always been a one-way street.  The only place it ever took me was to a negative outcome.  What if we get into a car accident?  What if Luke gets really sick?  What if we don’t have enough money for me to be a stay-at-home mom? 

When I first started dating my husband, Jeff, things weren’t going very well at my job.  I was teaching fourth grade and had behavior issues in class that were far beyond my skill set.  It was overwhelming and I wasn’t handling it well at all.  My principal scheduled a meeting with me, but didn’t tell me why.  I remember telling Jeff that the meeting was coming up and I started my list.  “What if he’s going to have me transferred?  What if the parents are pissed and want to sue the school?  What if they’re giving me another student?  I know I’m in some kind of trouble.” 

Jeff replied, “What if it’s really good?”

I didn’t know what to say.  I didn’t know the “What if” street could go another way.

He continued, “Yeah, your principal knows it’s not good right now.  Maybe he wants to help.”

I wasn’t buying it, but sure, we could keep that “what if” on the list with my other ones.  Well, Jeff’s guess was correct.  My principal gave me encouragement and wanted to help if he could.  I was shocked because all my imaginary evidence had prepared me for the opposite.

Earlier this year, my Bible study buddy and I were talking about issues that we kept dealing with in life.  Mine was anxiety, of course.  I was searching for tips more than healing.  She proposed a positive “what if”:  “What if you didn’t have panic attacks anymore?”  Again, it forced me to look the other way on What If Boulevard. 

Shortly after that Bible study time, I was making dinner and Luke did not want to nap.  He would only settle down if I was holding him.  Jeff was coming home any minute and I wanted to have dinner ready for us, but I was struggling to do everything one handed.  When he came in the door, Luke was wailing, the food was burning, and my lungs were tightening.  It seemed like a panic attack was imminent.  At a time when my overriding thought would normally be, “You failed.  You’re a bad mom and a bad wife,” God spoke louder, “What if you didn’t have panic attacks anymore?”   Jeff scooped Luke up, and without explanation, I went into our laundry room and took deep breaths.  In a couple of minutes, my lungs relaxed.  I came out and told Jeff I was feeling overwhelmed.  Could he help me with Luke or dinner?  Everything worked out.  Not perfectly, but without panic.

Months passed, and I continued to walk out similar situations by stepping away, breathing and praying, and then moving on.  Jeff commented that I wasn’t having panic attacks anymore.  I said, “Yeah!  I’m just as surprised as you are!”  He wasn’t surprised; he had been praying this for months.

In Matthew 9:26 Jesus says, “With man, this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible.”  When my “what ifs” were all ending in something negative, I was basing the outcome on my ability (or rather, my inability).  God’s presence in a situation not only makes the outcome positive, but He makes the impossible possible.  It makes me excited to pray for other areas of my life or in the world that seem to be stuck.  When I start to think, ‘It’ll always be this way,’ I’m challenged to get on my knees and say, “God, you can do anything.  What if this situation turned out really good because of You?”