Reconciliation is Beautiful

 

 

Yesterday at church, I was standing and singing the worship song, “Beautiful Things” by Gungor (listen here).  I held a little girl in my arms who called me Mommy for a brief season of life.  My tall, oldest son leaned against us.  Another special daughter-for-a-time smiled and played with our toddler daughter, who squirmed and laughed in my husband’s arms.  And, if you can believe it, one more child, our almost five year old son, knelt next to the pew and scribbled letters on the bulletin handout.  ‘This is beautiful,’ I thought, ‘It’s crazy and it’s beautiful.’

 

Almost seven years ago, when my oldest son was a baby, I invited a friend from church to our house so I could learn more of her story.  She and her husband had six kids, three who were adopted from foster care.  I remember being really surprised when she told me the goal of foster care is reconciliation.  Before that, I’d mistakenly assumed that kids in foster care were in bad situations and needed adoption, not to go back to the parents who’d let them be harmed.  This church friend changed my perspective.

 

Years later, now foster parents ourselves, my husband and I said yes to two little girls - sisters, aged 4 and 2.  We took care of them for six and a half months, then they achieved the goal of care:  reconciliation.  They went back to their mom.  She’d undergone a lot and is still pursuing a life of recovery.  Even after they lived with their mom again, we took them to church with us for a few months.  It was great to have relationship without the stress that foster care can bring.  They moved and a year went by with no contact.  Then, just a few weeks ago, their family reached out to us.  They live in town again.  The girls miss us and ask about going to church.   

 

Just like that, we have been with them again on Sunday mornings.  Their mom drops them off and picks them up and we get a couple of hours together as something I don’t know how to label.  We’re sort of family, sort of friends… mostly just a big group of loud, active happy faces.  I’m very aware that this is not how a lot of foster stories turn out.  This feels unique, and I’m grateful.  I said as much to the girls’ mom in the church parking lot.  She agrees.  It’s unusual and it’s good.

 

Their mom doesn’t know how much I’ve prayed for her.  My husband and I pray over our sleeping kids before we turn in for the night.  When our foster daughters were with us, I prayed for their mom.  I was watching her babies sleep when it should have been her.  I prayed for her, that she could recover and that somehow those missed moments would be redeemed.  I pray that the cycle of addiction would stop with her, through the tough work to which she was willingly submitting herself.  I often struggled with resentment, yet I felt bonded to her somehow just through mothering her girls for a time.  Now, I get to see them together as a family.

 

In my Bible study this year, we are studying the prophets in the Old Testament.  Again and again, the theme seems to be God’s people turning away from Him – to idols, to evil, to their own ways of doing life.  I see in these stories God’s desire for reconciliation.  Sin creates separation and God’s desire is oneness with us.  

 

God sent His Son Jesus Christ so that each of us may experience the beauty of reconciliation with Him.  We are not meant to be separate.  We are meant to know God, enjoy Him, and live lives in deep connection and devotion to Him. 

 

Through foster care, I witnessed the deep pain of separation and now the indescribable beauty of reconciliation.  Through my relationship with Jesus Christ, I can daily ask for help to turn away from the things that separate me from God, and experience life close to Him, my heavenly Father.  I want this for you too.

 

If you are reading this, and desire closeness with God, just pray – talk to God.  No certain script is needed.  Express your desire to turn away from whatever is taking you away from God and your desire to know Him better.  God is a loving and merciful God and will meet you right there.  It will be beautiful.  Reconciliation is beautiful.

 

One more song, if you want to soak in God's love for you (here).

photo credit

I Have a Daughter

 

“You finally got your girl!”

 

My daughter recently turned one year old.  She’s precious and her smile lights up the room.  When people see me with my two sons and baby daughter, they often assume that we had another child because we were trying for a girl.  It feels awkward to push back when people are just trying to say something nice, but it doesn’t sit right with me to agree either.  For a few months now, I’ve been meaning to write a post about having a daughter.  Today, I noticed people celebrating their daughters on Facebook, so I thought, here’s my day to write that piece.  Here’s my story of “finally” having a daughter.

 

I got married late-ish in life.  In the grand scheme of things, thirty-four wasn’t old, but it was far past when I expected I’d be married and have a family of my own.  My husband and I hoped we’d be able to have at least one child.  A year and a few months past our first anniversary, we had our first son.  Two years later, our second child came, another boy.  I had no problem with having two sons, but I also took a moment to process that I probably wasn’t ever going to have a daughter.  Because of my age, I didn’t imagine myself being pregnant again.  I’d always wondered what it’d be like to have a little girl, and now it seemed like that wasn’t going to be part of my life.  I processed it, accepted it, and moved on to enjoying my boys.

 

Sometimes, in a store, I’d glance at all the cute little girl outfits, shoes, and bows.  I didn’t want to brood or feel sorry for myself, but I wanted to acknowledge the part of me that likes all the girly stuff.  So, I bought some things for my friend’s new baby girl and I specifically picked out things I would choose if I had a daughter.  My friend would text me photos of her little girl in the clothes and it made me happy to see how adorable she was. 

 

Fast forward a couple of years, and I’m still doing great with my sweet boys.  I didn’t desire to be pregnant again, but surprisingly, I kept feeling like God was asking me to just not be afraid of getting pregnant.  The feeling wouldn’t go away.  I spent time looking at what the Bible says and I felt even more strongly that God loves life and children are a gift in His eyes.  Life is to be welcomed, not feared.  I finally mentioned it to my husband and he had been feeling similarly.  He just wasn’t sure about bringing it up, since we were previously content with just our two kids.  It seemed like God was encouraging us to welcome life, so we changed our attitude to a yes, instead of trying to prevent.  Very soon after our yes, I was pregnant.

 

Fast forward again to our third child’s ultrasound.  I like finding out the gender because it helps me better bond with my baby inside.  It makes them seem less anonymous.  I went in to the appointment fully expecting a boy.  I was doing great with boys.  A third would be such a cute little crew.  The ultrasound technician announced, “You have a daughter!”  I started to cry.  I was embarrassed for responding that way, and it felt difficult to explain because I didn’t even really know why I was reacting that way.  I walked away from the appointment in disbelief.

 

It took quite some time to adjust to the idea that I was going to have a little girl.  I worried about being a good enough role model as a woman.  But more than that, I wasn’t sure how to reverse saying goodbye.  I’d already made peace with no daughter.  I wasn’t pining for one.  I was okay.  What do I feel now that the reality I thought was dead is alive again? 

 

So, I gave birth to a beautiful little girl.  We named her Trinity, a name from my husband’s list ever since our first pregnancy.  It wasn't my favorite name before, but when I was pregnant, I just wholeheartedly felt like I was carrying our Trinity.  Now, I adore the name and it’s perfect for her.  I’m not sure if differences in raising Trinity are because she’s a girl, or just because she’s her own person with her own personality.  All three of our kids are wonderfully unique. 

 

When people say, “You finally got your girl!”  I now respond with, “I love having boys and I’m so happy with my girl too.”  That feels true and keeps me from rattling on about my spiritual/ emotional journey of having a daughter! 

 

The final thing that makes me smile is this:  remember those clothes I bought for my friend’s daughter?  Those clothes came back to me.  My friend gave me a box of things her daughter had outgrown that I can use for Trinity.  So, back when I was choosing things, I was buying things for my own daughter without knowing it.  I love how God does things like that.

 

I have a daughter.  She was a hope, then an acceptance, and then a rebirth.

 

God writes beautiful stories and I’m grateful that this particular little girl, Trinity, is a part of mine.