I Have a Daughter

 

“You finally got your girl!”

 

My daughter recently turned one year old.  She’s precious and her smile lights up the room.  When people see me with my two sons and baby daughter, they often assume that we had another child because we were trying for a girl.  It feels awkward to push back when people are just trying to say something nice, but it doesn’t sit right with me to agree either.  For a few months now, I’ve been meaning to write a post about having a daughter.  Today, I noticed people celebrating their daughters on Facebook, so I thought, here’s my day to write that piece.  Here’s my story of “finally” having a daughter.

 

I got married late-ish in life.  In the grand scheme of things, thirty-four wasn’t old, but it was far past when I expected I’d be married and have a family of my own.  My husband and I hoped we’d be able to have at least one child.  A year and a few months past our first anniversary, we had our first son.  Two years later, our second child came, another boy.  I had no problem with having two sons, but I also took a moment to process that I probably wasn’t ever going to have a daughter.  Because of my age, I didn’t imagine myself being pregnant again.  I’d always wondered what it’d be like to have a little girl, and now it seemed like that wasn’t going to be part of my life.  I processed it, accepted it, and moved on to enjoying my boys.

 

Sometimes, in a store, I’d glance at all the cute little girl outfits, shoes, and bows.  I didn’t want to brood or feel sorry for myself, but I wanted to acknowledge the part of me that likes all the girly stuff.  So, I bought some things for my friend’s new baby girl and I specifically picked out things I would choose if I had a daughter.  My friend would text me photos of her little girl in the clothes and it made me happy to see how adorable she was. 

 

Fast forward a couple of years, and I’m still doing great with my sweet boys.  I didn’t desire to be pregnant again, but surprisingly, I kept feeling like God was asking me to just not be afraid of getting pregnant.  The feeling wouldn’t go away.  I spent time looking at what the Bible says and I felt even more strongly that God loves life and children are a gift in His eyes.  Life is to be welcomed, not feared.  I finally mentioned it to my husband and he had been feeling similarly.  He just wasn’t sure about bringing it up, since we were previously content with just our two kids.  It seemed like God was encouraging us to welcome life, so we changed our attitude to a yes, instead of trying to prevent.  Very soon after our yes, I was pregnant.

 

Fast forward again to our third child’s ultrasound.  I like finding out the gender because it helps me better bond with my baby inside.  It makes them seem less anonymous.  I went in to the appointment fully expecting a boy.  I was doing great with boys.  A third would be such a cute little crew.  The ultrasound technician announced, “You have a daughter!”  I started to cry.  I was embarrassed for responding that way, and it felt difficult to explain because I didn’t even really know why I was reacting that way.  I walked away from the appointment in disbelief.

 

It took quite some time to adjust to the idea that I was going to have a little girl.  I worried about being a good enough role model as a woman.  But more than that, I wasn’t sure how to reverse saying goodbye.  I’d already made peace with no daughter.  I wasn’t pining for one.  I was okay.  What do I feel now that the reality I thought was dead is alive again? 

 

So, I gave birth to a beautiful little girl.  We named her Trinity, a name from my husband’s list ever since our first pregnancy.  It wasn't my favorite name before, but when I was pregnant, I just wholeheartedly felt like I was carrying our Trinity.  Now, I adore the name and it’s perfect for her.  I’m not sure if differences in raising Trinity are because she’s a girl, or just because she’s her own person with her own personality.  All three of our kids are wonderfully unique. 

 

When people say, “You finally got your girl!”  I now respond with, “I love having boys and I’m so happy with my girl too.”  That feels true and keeps me from rattling on about my spiritual/ emotional journey of having a daughter! 

 

The final thing that makes me smile is this:  remember those clothes I bought for my friend’s daughter?  Those clothes came back to me.  My friend gave me a box of things her daughter had outgrown that I can use for Trinity.  So, back when I was choosing things, I was buying things for my own daughter without knowing it.  I love how God does things like that.

 

I have a daughter.  She was a hope, then an acceptance, and then a rebirth.

 

God writes beautiful stories and I’m grateful that this particular little girl, Trinity, is a part of mine.