Grace-Filled Expectations

 “I’m so glad you’re here.”

I wept, and whispered those words over and over, my lips against my newborn son’s tiny ear.  He lay against my chest; the umbilical cord still connecting us.  Together, we began to breathe normally, peacefully.  I was really happy to meet my son.  However, in that moment, “I’m so glad you’re here” meant “I’m so very relieved that the excruciating pain is over now.” 

With my first son, I’d given birth at the hospital with an epidural.  Then I learned a lot about how God made my body to do this tough work well.  So, the second time around, I chose to have a home birth.    As the due date approached and then passed, I was increasingly looking forward to the big event.  I meditated on truths written on 3x5 cards that I taped to the wall next to the birthing tub in my room.  I was ready.

Because I prayed, because we had worship music playing, because I repeated my affirmations and visualized God there with me, I expected the delivery to be peaceful.  Not pain-free, but definitely serene and spiritual. 

Instead, I was so overcome by the sheer force of birth that all I could do was scream my head off.  I was not graceful, I was not pretty, I wasn’t even strong, really.  My body just took over.  The best I could do was to accept all of it.  In the days afterward, I kept thinking, ‘Why wasn’t I able to keep myself together like I’d imagined?  Why wasn’t I tougher?’   

I think things like that a lot.  Why am I not a prettier, stronger version of myself when life is painful and difficult?  It’s not enough that I’m going through the pain, but I have to add these unrealistic expectations on how I get through it. 

What if I could look at myself like a friend would?  If I were a friend looking at this birth I’d say:

“Oh my goodness.  I can’t believe how hard those contractions hit you.  You made it!  You did it!  Dang, good job, mama!”

If I go deeper still, what if I looked at myself from God’s perspective?

“Wow.  Isn’t life amazing?  Isn’t my creation amazing?  I created your body well and it all worked out!  Praise Me for this gift of bringing a precious life into the world through you!”

It seems like there will always be a little something in my life that feels too much to bear.  Maybe I wasn’t designed to get through it in a pretty way.  Maybe I was made to be gloriously dependent on God.  And that, is beautiful.