“To annoy or irritate with
persistent fault-finding or constant urging.
Harass, badger, get on someone’s case.”
This is what it means to
nag. It sounds annoying, but in my
experience, my nagging must not be annoying enough because the thing never ends
up getting done! My son Luke is two and a half.
I nag him to pick up his toys,
wash his hands, get his shoes on, come inside, find his water cup, and lots of
other little things. In the past, my
nagging efforts ended with me picking up the toys, me physically taking him to
the sink to wash up . . . me doing each thing.
It was much quicker and easier that way.
The problem was Luke wasn’t
learning to do these things for himself.
The other problem was I was tired and frustrated.
When I was a teacher, I
learned a little bit about the theory and language behind Love and Logic. So, two months ago, I read a book that
applies Love and Logic to parenting. My
husband and I have been trying it with Luke and the results have been
wonderful. I feel like I’m training
myself NOT to do what I usually do, more than training my son what to do.
Here are some examples
which I hope will inspire and encourage anyone else who has been struggling
with this.
Scenario #1: Toys Everywhere
Old Way: Nag Luke, plead with Luke, eventually
threaten a consequence or pick up the toys with him (with us doing most of the
work)
Trying Something New: Using Love and Logic language, we said, “Luke,
when the toys are all picked up, we’d love to have you join us for dinner.” This was about ten minutes before we planned
to eat. Luke continued to play. We weren’t sure how he’d respond, so hubs and
I had decided beforehand that we’d stick to that phrase and leave his food on
the table until the dishes were done after dinner. At that point, we’d put his food away and he’d
have to wait until breakfast. Both of us
were wary of this happening, but reassured ourselves that he would be
okay. When dinner was ready, hubs and I
sat down, prayed, and began to eat. Luke
noticed and came to his chair. We
repeated, “When the toys are all picked up, we’d love to have you join us for
dinner.” He stared at us for a long
moment, went over to the toys, and picked them up. We were amazed. No tantrum, no whining, and most of all, no
nagging! Our voices remained cheerful
and we didn’t make a big deal about the mess or the cleaning up. Tidying up was just part of what people do
before they eat dinner.
Scenario #2: Shoes or No Shoes?
Old Way: Nag Luke to bring his shoes to me, finally
get his shoes myself, wrestle them on and put him in the car seat.
Trying Something New: “Luke, we’ll be going to the library and
store soon. Grab your shoes! After I get baby brother in the car, the car
will be leaving.” Luke ran around in the
front yard barefoot while I strapped brother in. I was very tempted to revert to my old ways
(what am I going to do with a barefoot kid out and about?). I managed to stay quiet and cheerful. I said, “Micah’s in the car! The car is leaving.” I scooped Luke into his seat, buckled him,
and we drove off. He noticed the lack of
shoes. “You have my shoes?” he
asked. “No, I think they’re at home,” I
said. At the library, I returned books in
the drive by slot. Luke noticed. “We go inside?” I replied, “Oh, not today. We can’t walk in the library without our
shoes on.” At the grocery store, I
grabbed a cart and put him in the seat, his little bare feet dangling
down. “No, Mama! I walk!”
I said, “Darn it! We need to wear
shoes in the store so we don’t hurt our feet on anything. Maybe next time.” As we shopped, he kept muttering to himself, “Maybe
next time….maybe next time wear my shoes….”
Since that trip, he has been grabbing his shoes quickly when we are
preparing to leave the house.
Finally, Today’s Little
Scenario: Cup in the Garage
Old Way: Nag Luke to bring his water cup from the car
back into the house; give a time out if he refuses.
Trying Something New: I held out his cup for him to take into the
house. He said, “No!” and walked
away. I said, “Okay. No problem” and set his cup right there on
the garage floor. I moved on to taking
the groceries and baby inside. I assumed
Luke would leave the cup until lunch was ready, at which point he’d realize he
wanted it and go get it. Much to my
surprise, he picked it up and took it in to the table right as soon as I began
taking the groceries in. We are both
starting to learn - - me, to stop taking responsibility that’s not mine; and
Luke, to start accepting responsibility that’s his.
There’s a lot more to
learn and a lot more to explore with this, but for now, I’m feeling freer and
more peaceful in letting go of nagging.
