Losing Control

A zookeeper trapped in a cage of screeching monkeys flinging poo at each other. 

That’s the best way I can describe how I felt during yesterday’s Reading lesson.  The third grade classes have a system called Walk to Read, where our students go to the class that best fits their reading needs.  I teach the kids who are just below grade level ability.  A lot of them don’t like to read and have inventive avoidance tactics including (but not limited to):  wandering, interrupting, arguing, excuses, and hyperactive shenanigans. 

Yesterday afternoon, I had my Reading class for the second time that day.  It was the last half hour of school.  This is when the disruptive behaviors from earlier in the morning morphed into what I call Crazytown.   I was not in control, the lesson was going nowhere, and I flipped out.  Sitting in our Reading Corner rocking chair with the kids on the floor in front of me, I leaned forward for more intense eye contact.  They were going to listen and behave, darn it.  This position put pressure on my ever-expanding pregnant tummy and my sweet son began to protest with thumping kicks on my bladder.  Not fun.   I thought, “Knock it off!  I do not need you to kick me right now!”  Note:  it’s a good sign that you need to step back and calm down when you find yourself snapping at your unborn child.

I went home feeling irritable and defeated.  I want to be a life changer; to teach in such a way that kids are magnetized to the content and don’t even consider misbehaving.  With some of these kids, it seems like nothing I do has any effect on their learning or behavior. 

As I cooked dinner, I listened to a Joyce Meyer podcast.  She’s not one for cushy sympathy, which would have been nice at the time, but her words were potent.   We can be at total peace in any situation because God is in control.  Our job is to pray and let Him work.  That’s it.

So, this morning, I prayed.  Nothing wordy or profound, just an honest acknowledgement of God’s wisdom and an invitation for Him to take over.  Just before the reading kids came in, I felt His nudge to talk to the main offenders proactively.  The word on my heart was “leadership.”  While the others read at their seats, we met in the Reading Corner. 

“Are we in trouble?”  Carlos wanted to know.

“Yep!  We’re the blurters!” Emilia grinned as if she’d just won a prize.

“I promise I won’t interrupt today, Mrs. Arkills!” Juan blurted, then slapped a hand over his mouth.  The others giggled.  I took a deep breath.

“You’re here because you’re leaders,” I said, “Leaders are powerful.  They move others forward.  I see that in every one of you.”

They went quiet.

“Tell me what qualities a good leader should have.”

The kids were thoughtful.  They brainstormed a list and I recorded their ideas.  In their eyes, a leader says important things, helps others know what to do, participates, and is doing what they’re supposed to be doing.  I had each student choose one of those qualities as a goal for the day and write it on a Post-It.  At the bottom, they drew a number line of zero to three, which we would use to self-assess at the end of class.  I reminded the kids that change is tough and even progressing from a one to a two today would be a positive step.

I’ve never seen such a miraculous transformation.  All that hyperactivity and rudeness from yesterday was beautifully channeled towards showing others what to do.  As the kids listened to our story CD, Leslie and Carlos gently nudged their peers to stay on the correct page.  Later, I was leading a small group while everyone else did seat work.  Marcelino finished quickly and then walked from student to student, showing confused kids what to do.  I couldn’t believe my eyes.  My thoughts were a continuous cycle of “Thank You, God….Thank You, God…..Thank You, God.” 

When reading class was over, my little group reconvened and discussed what happened. 

“Did you see how all the other kids followed your lead?” I asked.  “You are powerful and the whole class felt different today because of your hard work!”

Carlos and Marcelino both pointed out ways they hadn’t perfectly executed their goals.  They were kind of hard on themselves.  I told Carlos a specific way I’d noticed him communicating respectfully with another student and told him how proud I was.  He smiled and turned bright red.   This was the very same Carlos who gets sent back to his homeroom teacher nearly every day for disrespectful behavior. 

I know that every Reading class from here on may not feel as miraculous as this.  But, what if it did?  This could be my whole new approach to life's challenges.  God really, truly knows what to do.  The part that especially blows me away is how God’s way is so uplifting.  I have tried and tried to punish these kids.  Sadly, I hadn’t considered that they didn’t need to stop being so strong, but they needed to steer their stubborn, unyielding natures in a different direction.  Only God could have done something so amazing, and with such grace.

As I’ve been typing this, little boy inside has been having another one of his kick fests.  Keep kicking, dear one.  I’m at peace.  Mama’s learning how to pray.