To get through winter more joyfully this year, I made an idea list for each month. I wrote down things that encompassed the feeling of that month or things that match the weather. February had me trying new tea blends, bundling up and looking at the stars, and writing love notes. March is transitioning from winter to spring. It can be rainy, so I added “jump in puddles” to the list. I don’t actually like jumping in puddles, but I thought, ‘Why not? It’ll be out of my comfort zone.’
Two days ago, the perfect puddle jumping day presented itself. It was cold, it was wet, and we needed to walk our dog. My four year old daughter and I looked outside with whiny reluctance. Neither of us wanted to go out. “Hey,” I said, thinking of my checklist, “Let’s find puddles and jump in them as we go!” My daughter was instantly sold. She donned her pink rubber boots and off we went.
We found great puddles. We got soaked. It was cold and wet. It was uncomfortable. And, it was a lot of fun. We couldn’t help but laugh and look for even bigger puddles, bigger splashes.
The weather was a very good reason not to walk. To stay inside. No one would fault us for that. But, just beyond that normal threshold of comfort, beyond that excuse, there lay surprising and refreshing joy.
As a recovering sugar addict, I keep bumping up against scenarios in which I would normally binge on sugar. For example, on Tuesday, two of my kids were sick and our puppy began her period. That felt like a big load of extra responsibility on a regular weekday. I didn’t want to go out in that rain, so to speak. The Brooke who uses sugar to deal with life would have needed some serious snacks to take care of all those needs. Sugar isn’t one of my tools now. I didn’t have a good enough reason to fall back on food.
Then, yesterday, I was at the grocery store by myself. That used to be another good reason to binge on candy. If I was by myself, I could buy something I wanted and no kids would beg me for it or comment on how much I was eating. It’s not a reason anymore. I say that with a sigh. I really wanted it to be a legitimate reason to buy some Easter chocolate I love. I thought about my accountability friends, I thought about who I’m becoming, I thought about how terrible it felt to be trapped in impulsive eating. Just like that, “being alone at the grocery store” got erased from the list of good reasons to abuse myself with food.
I’m thinking of others still on the list: what if I get really bad news, or I’m too tired, too stressed? What if I don’t have healthy food ready when I’m hungry? What do I do on my birthday (hasn’t happened yet since giving up sugar)…? The reasons are fading fast.
It wasn’t comfortable to take care of sick kids and figure out how to diaper a dog. I didn’t plan on doing that all in the same day. I didn’t like it, but I did it. I did it without sugar. That in itself was its own joy. Addicted Brooke couldn’t imagine taking on big discomfort without sugar numbing the sharp edges of the situation. Beyond that, it was nice to have my boys at home. We read under a blanket on the couch. We walked the dog (it was sunny that time). We ditched the usual responsibilities and just hung out together.
The next time it rains, the proclivity to stay inside won’t be as strong. I know what it feels like to get outside anyway. I know that God can help me take care of sick kids. I know that He can steer me past Easter candy at the store. I know that He hides joy in uncomfortable situations. I’m running out of reasons to stay stuck.
