Untethered

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes losing you makes me feel untethered.

I’m far from being a little kid,

But even in adulthood

Your unconditional love provided

A grounding

That feels scary now that it’s gone.

 

I remember maybe six years ago

When my kids and I visited your house

After the trip,

My son told me his blanket had a new smell.

I held it to my nose and breathed you in.

“That’s my Mom,” I told him, “That’s comfort.”

 

When your memory got foggy

The untethering began.

I became a caregiver, our roles swapped.

Even so, the last time we walked together

I apologized that I didn’t bring the kids.

You told me it was me you wanted to see.

 

I’m so old – my body is changing in ways

I thought were just for old ladies.

But how do I go through the rest of my life

Without a Mom?

Without my Mom?

I don’t think I’m old enough for that.

 

I reach for something to hold on to.

I wonder who I am without you,

And reflect on who I am because of you.

In moments when I feel alive and present,

I whisper, “I’m living, Mom!”

And the bond I thought I lost reveals itself once more.

Surely You Know

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A struggle  

Surfaced yet again,

With stronger impact than usual.

This particular struggle

Plagues me daily,

Yearly.

I felt the weight of it,

Trapped in its impossibility,

I cried and snapped at God:

“Surely You know!”

 

It was an accusation,

From a heart

That felt forgotten.

 

Surely God knows

What I’m going through.

Surely He has the power to

Change this.

Surely God knows

How unbearable it is

To keep going this way.

 

I moved on,

Did the next thing,

Washed some dishes.

Within the mundane,

This thought arose:

“Surely You know.”

 

This time,

It was a statement,

An affirmation,

Trust.

 

Surely God knows

How this began,

How it will end.

Surely God knows

My heart,

My inability to fix this

On my own.

Surely God knows

And doesn’t delight

In His kids’ suffering.

 

That night,

The moon was

Nearly full.

I stood, watching it,

Imagining myself

Holding God’s hands.

I said it softly,

“Surely, You know.”

 

I let my body

Absorb the truth,

The love,

Held in that awareness.

I watched the moon

And listened

To Him telling me back,

“Surely, I know.”

 

 

 

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